


You Are Not a Robot

by thisaccountisdone



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Boys kissin, Character Study, M/M, warning: yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-11
Updated: 2012-05-11
Packaged: 2017-11-05 04:01:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/402224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisaccountisdone/pseuds/thisaccountisdone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jackson never feels good enough and the only person he's comfortable around is Danny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Are Not a Robot

**Author's Note:**

> _You've been acting awful tough lately,  
>  Smoking a lot of cigarettes lately,  
> But inside, you're just a little baby,  
> It's okay to say you've got a weak spot,  
> You don't always have to be on top,  
> Better to be hated than love, love, loved for what you're not,  
> You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable,  
> You are not a robot,  
> You're lovable, so lovable,  
> But you're just troubled._

Jackson remembers when he was seven and Scott brought a puppy to show and tell. He technically wasn’t supposed to but his dad had just left. Something about that was unfair. He wanted to say that Scott was lucky for even knowing his dad. He wanted to say Scott should be happy he at least had him for some time. But he didn’t say anything.He was so angry. He wasn’t sure why. All the kids crowded around that puppy and Jackson sat back in his desk and glared at it. It wasn’t like show and tell was a big deal in retrospect. But back then, it was everything. He was seven and he was trying his hardest to be happy. He should have been. The other kids all laughed and smiled like it came naturally but it didn’t for him.

To be honest, the only person he felt okay around was Danny. Even at 16, it was still that way. He felt safe around Danny. He never felt threatened. It was so hard to make friends when every move they made was calculated. Every word they said had an alternate meaning and they always had an ulterior motive. Danny wasn’t like that. He almost wished he could just push Danny away and sometimes he tried. He didn’t want someone there to check him when he was spiraling out of control. He just wanted to fall and fall until he hit the bottom.

It wasn’t that he didn’t love his parents. He just never felt good enough. He always had to be better. It was the part in the back of his mind whispering to him that he wasn’t good enough for his birth parents. It drove him to new lows. Everyone was in the way. If he wanted something, he’d get it. It wasn’t that he was spoiled.

It’s hard when you hate yourself so much. Every move is weighed and it’s never enough; top of the class, captain of the lacrosse team, dating the hottest girl in school. That wasn’t enough. Sometimes he was aware of how irrational it was. Sometimes, he didn’t care. Because it was that drive. It was pushing him farther and farther. He was close to breaking and close to the edge. Close to pushing away everyone.

It was funny how much he could crash from the smallest things. He didn’t even care about school but he cared about being the best. Each A was a moment’s reprieve from the voice in the back of his mind calling him a failure. That voice always whispering insults- even in the dead of night. His nightmares were haunted by those words and by images of things just out of his memory’s reach.

He works too hard. He pushes himself until his muscles ache and he can hardly move the next day. He pushes himself until his head is pounding and he can barely breathe. He pushes until exhaustion claims his body and he collapses. He can’t stop even when he knows he should. It’s like some external force is keeping him there. There are so many times when he’s woken up on the floor, every muscle screaming.

It’s still an effort to be around other people. He has to keep from exploding at each and every one. He just can’t stand them. Because that voice in his head is telling him he needs to beat them and that they’re better than him and they don’t care. No one cares. Sometimes the only thing that keeps him off the edge is Danny.

He’s not the type of guy to talk about his problems. It’s admitting he has a problem and thus admitting he’s a failure. He isn’t perfect. That’s a problem. But somehow, Danny makes it okay. It’s kind of like for a moment he can’t feel anything but light. There’s this calm peace inside of him and he’s floating. He’ll tell him everything that he’s thinking.

There was once a time when Jackson would have done anything to feel happy. He’s aware of his status; good looks, popular, money. He seems to have everything in place. It still hasn’t clicked, though. The pieces don’t fit together and they clash against each other like rusty gears. He can hear it at night. It’s the only sound in his ears; rusty metal crashing and grinding together.

He’s not happy, though. He’s not. He can’t smile or laugh without it draining his energy. He can’t go out without feeling forced. He’s tried all kinds of things to feel better but nothing works. It’s like being stuck in a black hole. But he can see the light far away and out of reach. No matter how far he stretches, his fingers slip past. He can’t tell which way is up or down. There’s just darkness and that tiny, tiny speck of light. Maybe one day he’ll make it. Maybe one day.

There are times when he’s free. There are times when, for a moment, he is filled with sunshine. He tries not to notice how those pure moments always have one common denominator. He tries not to notice the way he shines when he laughs or the rise and fall of his chest. He tries to ignore that feeling in his chest like his heart is bursting and the world is spinning too fast. He tries, he really does.

There’s a part of him that doesn’t want to be happy. Being happy is like surrendering. If he’s attached to someone, then he can’t turn it all off and rise higher and higher until he crashes like a star. He sees the way Danny looks at him when he has trouble moving or his eyes are red from lack of sleep. He sees the way his chest heaves for a second as if he’s stopped breathing. As if Jackson can stop his world for just a second.

Isn’t it funny how things work? He isn’t good enough for himself and yet, he’s good enough for someone else. He wants to break. He wants to be completely irreparable so that Danny just leaves him alone. He’s a lost fucking cause. He’s not worth it. He can’t detach himself from Danny. That’s the only person he’s unable to cut away from.

He’s breaking more and more each day. It’s come down to three hours of restless sleep and the rest is pushing himself until he’s all fraying edges. He’s frazzled wires and rusty gears and broken machinery. Every movement seems robotic and he’s coming closer and closer to cracking. It’s getting harder to function. He’s always on guard but his guard always seems to be down. He’s teetering on the edge and each second, his foot is getting closer and closer. The cliff is crumbling.

Danny’s there to save him. Always there to save him. It’s like his arms keep him steady and his lips… They’ve never kissed before. There was never an experiment; never a drunken night. His lips are fixing him in a way he never thought possible; gears turning properly, wires secure. There’s a moment where he forgets himself. He’s never quite let go before. It’s not something he’s able to do. He’s always rigid and nervous.

But Danny’s lips are fire melting the ice encapsulating him. They’re the sun breaking through and warming him to the core. They’re something new and for once, he feels something that might be happiness. It’s something he’s never felt but it’s good. It’s right. And he’s content. 


End file.
